Transforming Defensive Communication Into Supportive Communication & Distinguishing Aggressive, Assertive, and Deferential Forms of Communication - Assignment #5

Part 1: Transforming Defensive Communication Into Supportive Communication

1.   Change certainty to provisionalism.

CERTAINTY:  The right thing to do is crystal clear.

PROVISIONALISM: I think this is a good option.

2.  Change strategy to spontaneity.

STRATEGY:  Don’t you owe me a favor from when I typed that paper for you last term?

SPONTANEITY: Would you mind doing me a favor?

3.   Change evaluation to description

EVALUATION: You’re acting very immaturely.

DESCRIPTION:  You seem to be acting immature lately.

4. Change control orientation to problem orientation.

CONTROL ORIENTATION:  I think we should move where I have the good job offer since I’ll make a bigger salary than you anyway.

PROBLEM ORIENTATION: I know we feel differently in regards to moving, so let’s consider the pros and cons before we make a decision. 

5. Change superiority to equality.

SUPERIORITY:  I can’t believe you got yourself into such a dumb predicament.

EQUALITY: We’ve all been there.

6. Change neutrality to empathy.

NEUTRALITY:  I don’t want to get involved in your disagreement with your parents.

EMPATHY: I don’t blame you for being upset about arguing with your parents.

Part 2: Distinguishing Aggressive, Assertive, and Deferential Forms of Communication

1. You think your roommate is angry with you, but you have no idea why and she/he denied being angry when you stated your perception. But she/he is acting very distant and unfriendly.

Aggressive response: Tell me what is going on; I insist. 

Assertive response: I’d like it if you were honest with me about how you’re feeling.

Deferential response: I’m making a big deal over nothing.  I’ll just let it go.

2. One of your close friends asks to borrow your car.  Normally, you wouldn’t mind lending your car to a friend, but this person has a record of speeding and being careless behind the wheel. You can’t afford to have your car wrecked.

Aggressive response: You’re a reckless driver.  I’m not letting you take my car. 

Assertive response:  I would, but I really can’t afford to have my car wrecked. 

Deferential response:  Yeah, you can borrow my car. 

3. A close friend asks you about something very personal. You want to show that you trust the friend, but you don’t want to discuss this topic—even with a close friend.

Aggressive response:  I don’t want to talk about it.

Assertive response:  It’s not that I don’t trust you, but I’d really rather not discuss it. 

Deferential response:  I’ll talk about it if you really want to.

4. Ten days ago you lent $20.00 to one of your co-workers with the agreement that he would repay you within a week.  He has not repaid the money, nor has he offered any explanation. You need the loan repaid.

Aggressive response:  I demand that you repay me my money.

Assertive response:  I’d like it if you could repay me soon.  Can you manage that? 

Deferential response:  I understand if you need more time before you can repay me. 

5. One of the people in a group to which you belong tells racist and sexist jokes. You find the jokes very offensive, but you don’t want to create tension in the group or make the person who tells the jokes feel bad.  You just want the jokes to stop.

Aggressive response:  You need to stop with those jokes.  They’re not funny.

Assertive response:  Don’t take this the wrong way, but your jokes can come across as offensive. 

Deferential response: I guess I’m just being too sensitive if you only mean those things as a joke. 

In doing these exercises, it amazed me to see how different words can distort meaning so much.  The first exercise was slightly confusing to me at first since there are so many terms.  I have seen all the forms of them before, but I had never really identified them.  I think responding with empathy is the best way to show supportive communication, but all of the examples are effective in their own right.  Supportive conversation rather than defensive conversation makes it much easier for people to correctly interpret intentions without getting their feelings hurt. 

I had a little bit of trouble with the second exercise at first as well.  The words aggressive and assertive look so similar that I kept mixing up the meanings of them until I consulted my textbook.  The deferential responses are almost opposites of aggressive responses.  If I actually had to have the conversations in the scenarios, I would almost always choose the assertive response.  The aggressive response is too harsh, and the deferential is not bold enough. 

~L.L.S.